Finding Fabulous

By Joel U.

My fashion journey started out with hand-me-downs. My older sister is 8 years older than me and because she was a “tomboy” there were many of her clothes that were eventually passed down to me. They weren’t always reflective of my own personal style and by the time I reached middle school, I was looking to expand my wardrobe with clothes that were not previously owned by my sister. The challenge was - my immigrant parents. The clothes they would buy me were not exactly “trendy” nor did I feel like they were reflective of my own tastes - but they were inexpensive. When I started high school, I found out quickly (and oftentimes painfully) that my sense of style was not up to date. My peers were buying their clothes from popular clothing brands while I was still getting my clothes from the Exchange - the military retail store my family frequently went to for its discounts and cheaper prices. And while I would sometimes be lucky enough to get a Lacoste shirt as a gift from a relative or a t-shirt that wasn’t a souvenir from the Philippines, my wardrobe remained limited.

When I look back, the biggest thing that was lacking in my fashion was a sense of identity and a feeling of representing who I was. The fact that throughout all this time I was struggling with my sexuality didn’t help and I frequently attempted to dress in ways that presented me as more “masculine” - despite what I may have thought and felt when no one was around. In an attempt to fit in with my classmates, I tried to build my interests around what was popular at the time in music, tv, and movies. But I also had a nerdy side, that loved comics and anime - a side that I never showed to my peers, because I thought that it would be seen as “uncool.” While I was quick to correct people that I was Filipino and “not Chinese”, I strayed away from embracing my heritage because I didn’t want to be associated with the foreignness of the “F.O.B.” (Fresh Off the Boat) kids. For a time, I was able to get by with clothes that were acceptable enough to not be made fun of by my classmates but I never felt like they were a full expression of me.

It wasn’t until I went to college that I really began to explore what fashion meant to me. One of my first friends from freshman year was obsessed with fashion magazines and high fashion labels. When she went with me to go shopping before a party, she would point out things she thought were trendy but also made sure to ask my input - what did I think looked good on me. This was my first venture into seeing what colors I liked, what patterns intrigued me, and what were the things that I wanted to wear that I felt represented me. While I remained closeted all throughout college, this was the first time I could buy clothes that I didn’t have to worry about my parents approving of - especially because I was buying them with my own money. My freshman friend later transferred to another school but I was inspired by my shopping trips with her and started to develop my own taste in clothes. By the time I graduated I knew that I liked colorful choices in my wardrobe, was a sucker for interesting patterns and designs, and had people whose aesthetic I often tried to emulate.

Since graduating college, I’ve come to terms with and embraced who I am - my sexuality, my heritage, my interests. I now embrace my queerness and what that means to me. While my sense of style still tends to live in what is thought to be more “masculine” representing, I like to experiment with femininity - whether it’s through jewelry, accessories, or ventures into make-up. One day, I even hope to make my debut in drag. Back then, I used to avoid being seen as “too Filipino.” I now proudly integrate traditional clothes and fabrics into my outfits. I’ve learned to embrace my heritage through fashion and that has made me feel more closely connected with who I am. While I used to never express my interests in things that are “nerdy”, now I interweave these interests with my fashion choices. Whether it’s an X-Men shirt paired with an Ivy Park ensemble or a collection of Steven Universe pins on my denim jacket, it’s my way of showing what I love paired with my own personal style. Though I wouldn’t say I always follow what’s trending, I know what I like from what’s popular and incorporate that into my wardrobe. My current fashion allows me to fully embrace who I am - in all parts. Queer, Filipino, nerdy, and always fabulous.