What Feels Right

By Kim Pannell

Growing up I always felt like I was supposed to fit into a certain style of clothes that just didn’t work for me. I didn’t mind wearing dresses and looking feminine when I was in elementary school, but as I grew into myself I started to realize I felt like my body didn’t move the way it wanted to wearing “girls” clothes. I wasn’t interested in having a tight fit, I didn’t want my pants to be low, and I wanted to feel like I could run around without being limited by what I was putting on in the morning.

My insecurity with my body and my height manifested into a masculine presentation that was founded in hiding myself. Hiding my body, hiding my curves, and hiding what I felt wasn’t worthy of attention. I wore whatever helped me play outside and watched as my internal monologue continued to compare myself so deeply to every girl around me. Feeling inadequate.

I didn’t know I was queer until high school, but no one was surprised when I ended up dating a girl for the first time. They weren’t surprised because of what I wore. I played it off and pretended that didn’t hurt my feelings but deep down was insecure about never having a man be attracted to me in my most comfortable clothing. I felt like I had to choose between my most authentic gender expression and who I got to date.

But fuck that. There are still things I struggle with to this day. Finding shorts that feel affirming, wearing suits that feel like a balance between masculine and feminine; but I am no longer hiding. My style, my clothes, my energy is centered in authenticity and loving who I am. My masculinity and femininity are allowed to coexist - and they don’t dictate my worth or what I deserve in life in partners, friends, or strangers. Finding your style can be hard and oftentimes is a lot more complicated than meets the eye, but I will always be grateful for the ways I continue to evolve and love who I am. Clothing isn’t gendered - it’s just whatever feels right. And that doesn’t mean anything other than what I just shared - what feels right. What a powerful place to be at.